Saturday, 22 February 2014


I feel like I’ve had one conversation on loop recently. You see, I’m turning twenty and I currently have friends who have already turned twenty. I also have friends who are engaged. As in I have friends who are twenty and are engaged, to be married. Married to real and functioning human beings. One of my childhood best friends is planning a wedding; she’s asked me to be a bridesmaid. So, here I am, almost twenty and preparing to be a bridesmaid to a real life wedding, when I’ve never even had a boyfriend. Do you recall me talking about how I am Valentines Day cursed? (No? what are you waiting for read it) I am also boyfriend cursed. In the seventh grade a boy asked me to be his girlfriend, and since I saw myself as being a twelve year old who was not ready for a relationship I did what any mature twelve year old would do. I told him I’d think about it. And I told him that everyday for two weeks. Finally, I was asked to make a decision on the spot and I said no. Shortly after I broke it to him he came up to me and told me “It was a good thing [I] said no,” because he had asked someone else out following my rejection and she’d accepted. She was a far better catch. Since my seventh-grade scandal exactly zero guys have asked me to be their girlfriends. (Or out… at all…like ever). 

This tale of despair has not put me off from believing I will one day meet someone. I’ve already envisioned how I’m going to meet the love of my life. It's going to happen at a book store, where I’ll pick up a title that peaks my interest and the mysteriously handsome boy to my left who has a stunning smirk will comment on it. He’ll probably make fun of my novel choice; I’ll argue, insisting that I absolutely adore the author. He’ll recommend something and I’ll be intrigued enough to read it. He’ll leave me his phone number and shortly after we’ll meet over coffee and discuss his novel. I’ll admit I liked it, but I liked my choice just fine too. From there we'll develop a loving relationship where we share a mutual love for reading, but find comfort in different genres. Sadly, this just isn’t how people meet anymore is it? Most of the relationships I hear of now begin on Tinder or with the ever alluring “He added me on Facebook, first,” It just baffles me, that people are content with this. I’ll admit, I’m jealous and idealistic. I’m jealous that people are in happy functioning relationship and I’m idealistic because I’ve read far too many John Green novels. I have a vision of what love should be, and it just doesn’t seem to add up to what love actually is. This coming from my uninvested, biased, second-person perspective because obviously I don’t know what love is actually like, I cant even get boys to smile at me, let alone date me.

Thankfully I’m young, all hope is not lost. I still have the chance to meet guys, I mean once a boy winked at me in the hallway. That had to have meant something, right? Its frustrating though, I wont lie. I’m at this stage where I want to get to know boys and establish a real relationship of communication and romance and excitement, but most of the guys I know are so jet-set on a quick hit and run it is repulsive. Of course this may simply be the boys I know, not all boys. Honestly, I think what really bothers me is that my friends are twenty and are getting engaged and I’m almost twenty and have never had a boyfriend. I know people who have been in serial relationships since the fourth grade all I've accomplished since the fourth grade is completing the Harry Potter novel series (twice). Still, I never saw myself as the type to be married young, in fact I think being engaged at nineteen is absolutely Ludacris. However, my friends who are engaged have obviously found something fulfilling in someone and that is admirable. Not, admirable really, its downright unfair. But I think I'm slowly coming to understand that not everyone meets that person in their life. Lots of people don't get married, some people don't fall in love. Hardly anyone gets that fairytale ending. I think its more statistically probably that I'll end up alone than with someone, so I should just come to terms with that shouldn't I? It's a sad realization but it seems like a necessary one. 

 Ugh… why won’t boys just date me?


  1. Being engaged at 19 is SO Ludacris. Why rush? I'd rather wait how ever long it is going to take to be able to afford it myself and not have to ask my parents to buy me a wedding dress (when they just bought me a PROM dress a year before) Anywho, I'm aspiring to incorporate Ludacris into my vocabulary more often. (I wanted to make a pun with a Ludacris song but I really don't know any)

  2. I love this post. I'm also turning 20, in July, and my boyfriend experience is close to nothing. I am at that stage too where I just want to meet new guys and just TALK to them before a "quick hit and run". I've come to a realization that comparing yourself with others that do have this experience, like your friends that are getting married, only makes you feel shitier about yourself. Just put yourself out there, that's what I've started to do and I personally think you'll end up with someone but if you don't then who cares? Being alone is better than settling for a guy, in my eyes. Not that you asked for the advice but that's all the advice I can give for, I'm in the same boat as you. Good-luck!