Thursday, 27 February 2014

Emotionally Invested

I find it is a bit difficult for me to keep the few readers I do have interested. I do want this blog to be about my year away, obviously. Unfortunately I am not on that year away yet, like I’ve said in previous blog posts I am in the application process. Which is why the last few blog posts have been about life in general and not about actually going to Europe. Because I want to post, and I want to share my thoughts with you guys, I’ve just been lacking any development in the whole "quest to Durham." Thankfully, I am in the final stretch of my application process and as discussed in  an earlier blog post I had my final interview and I am now merely waiting for a response. If you read my last post you’ll know that I have had mixed feelings about how my interview went. There are times when I am three thousand percent sure I’ll be in the UK next year, and other times I prepare for another boring year in Canada. Today is special however, (although not necessarily in a  good way) as my obsessive attitude toward going on exchange reached an all time high. No, I haven’t received any new information about going on exchange, and if you were hoping for that I deeply apologize. Instead, two of my high school friends announced today that they have been accepted to study abroad and it lit of fire of jealousy and anguish under me. Now its not as if this affects me in anyway, they go to a different university than I do, and their school probably has different agreements of, and methods for ensuring an exchange. Basically, their school is just ahead of mine in the sending kids to the  UK game, and that annoys me. Still I am irrevocably jealous. I too want to be able to know so early on what my exchange future holds. I’m just jealous that they know so early and it is still an expected week or so until I find out.

Its just so frustrating because I’ve basically been preparing for my exchange since the first day of classes in my second year and I still have zero idea of what is in the cards for me. For the most part I’ve told myself I will be in Europe. Not because I think my interview went well, not because I think I’ll be able to make the grades I need to, but mostly because I really want to. My confidence in going on exchange is based solely on wishful thinking. If I say it enough, it will happen. Right? Honestly, I need it to happen, I am totally and completely invested in the idea of going away. The amounts of sacrifices I’ve made to go on this exchange are incredible. The social events and parties I’ve missed out on, the extra shifts at work I’ve taken to ensure I have enough money saved up, the long commuting hours I’ve endured so that I wouldn’t live in the city where I study so I could minimize my expense.  All of these things were done with the idea of exchange being the reward. Sadly, this means that if I don’t get into the exchange program I’ll feel as if all of these sacrifices will have been for nothing. I’ll feel as if an entire year of my life will have been wasted. With each passing day it becomes a heavier thought, will  I go? Will I not go? I just want to know. Its like I want to skip this entire middle part of my story and just read the final chapter. Make way for the sequel. The European sequel.

I just want to know… I just need to go.  

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