The Battle of Yesterday and Tomorrow Against Today.

“You live in the past and the future, you spend no time in the present,”

My younger sister said this to me the other day and it really struck a cord with me. I think part of the reasons this resonates with me so much is because in no way was she aiming to be philosophic or pensive, we were simply having a general conversation over some Ice Caps (a Canadian delicacy consisting of blended iced coffee and cream, like a Frappuccino only better and cheaper) and she made an observation. Now, as an older sister I never ever tell my younger siblings when I agree with them. In fact in my mind none of my siblings have ever been right. Still,I'd be lying if I said this sentence hadn’t left me thinking. I'll admit I do spend a lot of time thinking about the past and future. Especially the future, but I’ve never thought this was something other people were able to pick-up on. I tend to (sometimes obsessively) plan my life out. I’m a notorious list maker but I’ve always seen this as being the only viable option. If you don’t have everything planned out, how will anything happen? How can anyone be expected to reach success without planning out his or her entire journey? I mean yes, being goal oriented is definitely a concept I’d associate with myself. And sure, often my goal orientation leads me to ensuring every action I take and every decision I make results in me reaching my goal. And maybe, when things go sour I reflect on the past decisions semi-obsessively and analyze where they went wrong and how I can reassess these decisions and determine success is achieved in the end, but is that so bad? In my eyes, like I would imagine, in many other these are in no way a fault, in fact many would see them as  extremely positive characteristics in moderation (wouldn’t they?). But, as I’ve come to realize life is made up of little nows and if I spend all my time thinking about tomorrow and yesterday is that not a wasted today?

            

I’m saving money for a rainy day, I’m getting the best education possible because this is supposed to benefit me in the long run. These are both great and responsible things. I bet in ten years twenty-nine year old Salma will look back at these decisions and she will be so grateful that nineteen year old Salma was responsible and level-headed and made realistic adult decisions. But what is nineteen-year-old Salma doing right now that makes nineteen year old Salma happy? What current actions am I taking that will cause nineteen-year-old Salma to pause and think “God I love my life,”

I want to spend more time thinking about how happy I am right now and less time thinking about how happy I will eventually be. I am aiming to; no I will start making my moments count. I mean sure, planning for tomorrow is important but eventually we will all run out of tomorrows and all we will have is today. Right? 

The Post You've Been Waiting For...

Since the beginning stages of my blogging I've noted the uncertainty that it encompasses. This is meant to be a blog dedicated to my exchange, my party in the UK as I've said over a dozen times. The party I've dreamt of for years on end. With every step closer to this possibility becoming a reality I've updated you, each time highlighting that I was a step closer, but not having reached the end goal. The unofficial yes' I've received in the last six months did little to make me feel comfortable and merely increased my frustrations. From being considered, to nominated and so on and so forth I've been on edge. This reached an all time high when, on June 4th I received an e-mail stating that my "application was currently with the relevant department(s) with a request for module approval," and that Durham would  "be in touch with  a list of modules approved by the department(s) as well as an appointment with an academic adviser upon arrival at the  university. " I mean that basically sounds like an in, doesn't it?. Of course the e-mail continued on to say things like "Students accepted for study at Durham University will receive an official offer letter of acceptance as soon as possible," implying that not all students receiving said e-mail would receive an admissions offer. 

My anxiety increased a week later when I received another e-mail which stated that I had been "accepted for two modules by the School of Government and International Affairs," however the other courses I selected would not be available during the 2014/2015 year. So I would need to send them an updated course list before I would be able to receive an official letter of acceptance. Finally, on July 8th 2014 I awoke to an e-mail finally confirming my place at the University of Durham next fall. 

Its actually funny how I got the e-mail. England is five hours a head of so, when I awoke at 6 am because I needed to pee they were already deep into their business hours. So, after returning from the bathroom I did what any compulsive technology obsessed teenager of the 21st century would do and I checked my phone. After seeing the e-mail I was so excited I couldn't fall back asleep. I lay there, with three hours of sleep still available before I had to leave for work. My heart was racing, my fingers couldn't stay still and I was the most excited I've been in a very long time. This is real, this is happening. I have been accepted at the school that has been both my driving factor this year while also inflicting indirect self-doubt. I got into Durham. I'm moving to England. This is real, this is not a false alarm. 

Obviously such exciting news requires celebration so last night I called up some of my oldest girlfriends and we discussed my excitement, my fears and my over all shock over food and drinks. 

Honestly more than anything I am shocked. This has been an idea for so long and the prospect of it as a reality is difficult to grasp. In fact I was almost certain that I wasn't going to go on exchange, as I hadn't responded to my Scottish offer in time. I'm so excited for what this can become and yet I still fear it all slipping away from me. I guess I won't feel fully comfortable until I get my student visa, and even then I won't feel confident until I am on the plane. I look forward to keeping you all updated. 

xoxo

Positive Thinking and Good Eating

Winter in Canada just won't give up. Just when you think it's about to end it hits you with a final punch, or in this case an entire KO worthy combo. This I believe has resulted in an entire community of people being downright unpleasant lately.Quite franky, I can't blame them, I mean have you ever woken up and just braced yourself for an all around shit day? Everyday this week has been that day for me. It's reaching the end of a semester which means I am currently facing a cumulation of assignments, stress and all around negative energy. This of course all sits ontop of me already stressing irrevocably over my admission into the exchange program. It is safe to say I am tired. Exhausted really. And my days that start at quarter to six and don't usually end till well after midnight don't make my situation any more durable. 

Still, I've recognized complaing isn't beneficial. It's not a solution and it doesn't make things any more bearable. The only way things will get better, is if I force myself to feel better. So I've told myself I am going to enjoy these next few weeks, regardless of how I feel waking up, I want to both wake up and go to bed happy. And the only way this will happen, is if I forced it to. So, I started this today by treating myself. A few friends and I decided to embark on a new place to eat lunch today so we ventured to the on campus bar "The Phoenix," 

The Phoenix's clientele is generally graduate students and professors so the scene is far more mature than the regular eateries. Which can lead to a pricier menu but almost guarantees greater costumer service. 

The architecture of the building quickly became one of my favourite aspects, it's quite rustic which I love. Older building have a certain charisma you don't find on other parts of the campus. I use older sparingly as the restaurant itself isn't too old, however believe the building only recently became the restaurant. But don't quote me. 

I'm not a very adventurous eater so I'll admit my choice of food was boring. Crispy chicken burger with fries and cheese, but the good thing about boring is reliability. It boring does not in anyway mean it wasn't tasty. It was reliable and extremely tastsy. 

Speaking of reliable, 

Yes I know I have the selection of a underager. But hey, it's good, has alcohol and is an instant mood uplifter. So judge me all you want. Speaking of judging I think my server did a fair share of that when i order an alcoholic beverage at half past 11 pm. But hey, I applied the age old "five o'clock somewhere," and enjoyed myself.

All in all treating myself to a nice lunch was a great distraction but I quickly realized you can't avoid work forever. No matter what happens the homework still has to get done but that doesn't mean your day has to suck. I'm trying to find a positive balance in the things i need to do and the things i want to do. I don't want to have to sacrifice one for the other. I realize how important school and work and what not is in my development into an adult and functioning member of society, but I also don't want to have to sacrifice enjoying my youth. So, I'm telling myself I will have more fun and do more things that make me happy. Think positive and be positive I guess. 

xoxo.